The road on the second day was easier to walk than on the first.
The hunter's trail split on the northern bank of Raven Creek. After the two of them had walked along the creek bank for about an hour, Esper spoke up.
“Is it a little boring?”
“...I don't feel anything.”
“Then it is boring. Let's talk.”
“...Okay.”
Esper thought for a moment about what they could talk about.
Since her identity was already out in the open, she might as well not hide it anymore.
“...There are quite a few interesting fellows on the demon side. Among the people I know, two of them are pretty good in a fight. One is named Fema, and the other is Tia. Fema is a Flame Demon; she's short and has a terrible temper. Tia is a Nightmare; she looks gentle and soft, but she's actually wicked to the core and loves teasing Fema the most. Every time Fema gets so mad at Hypatia that she starts jumping up and down, fire sprouts from her head. Then Tia just stands nearby, puffing on her pipe, with a look on her face that practically begs for a beating.”
Eladia nodded. She didn't show any expression, but she was listening intently.
“Before I left, Tia had already become a Court Head. Fema probably won't take office for another few years. When the time comes for those two to attend meetings together, it's bound to be a spectacular show.”
“Mhm...”
“And there's a pair of succubus sisters, Ellie and Sera. Ellie is the older sister; she talks dirty all day long, but she actually has the courage of a rabbit and blushes if she gets too close to a man. Sera is the younger sister, cold as an ice block, but extremely reliable in her work.”
Esper's voice slowed down slightly as she spoke those two names, as if she were dredging up images from the depths of her memory.
“It seems they later participated in maid training. In the future, they'll probably work as attendants, serving a... very powerful person.”
Esper bit her lip.
“Ellie must be making a fool of herself every day. With her personality, just serving tea and pouring water would probably result in her tripping over herself three times from overthinking. Sera is probably cleaning up the mess beside her with a blank face.”
A trace of imperceptible softness blended into her voice.
“...They are all very good people.”
After saying this, she fell silent for a moment, a faint smile still lingering on her face.
The sound of the flowing creek filled the silence.
“What about you?”
Eladia's voice came from three feet behind her.
Esper's footsteps faltered for half a beat. She turned around, the smile on her face not yet fully faded.
“What about me?”
“...Your story.”
“...There's nothing much to tell. I'm just a village girl from the demon border. I couldn't make a living there, so I came to Avalon to scrape by, doing the kind of work a low-level adventurer does. It's incredibly boring.”
...
Esper felt a bit awkward.
“What about you, then? Your story.”
Eladia blinked.
“I grew up in a village convent... then the sisters at the convent would send the orphans to beg on the streets... Usually, we could only trick tourists out of their money, because in the eyes of the locals, we were just a bunch of hooligans...”
Esper raised an eyebrow.
“That convent didn't belong to the Church of Radiance?”
“No... it didn't...”
Eladia continued.
“Because I naturally healed quickly... the other children in the orphanage... always liked to poke me with things... and watch me heal... And then... when I was six... a Flame Demon attacked my village...”
“A Flame Demon?”
“Yes...”
Esper winced slightly.
“He burned everyone to death... but I survived... and killed him...”
“You... killed someone when you were only six?”
Esper felt it wasn't a very appropriate question to ask, but she couldn't help herself.
“...I didn't want to kill him. I just wanted to get close to him, to ask him why he killed everyone... and then... he died...”
Uncontrollable power, talent far exceeding ordinary people, and a lonely childhood.
Yes, she was very much like a certain someone.
“Then... two Holy Spirit Knights appeared... They brought me before the Pope... and after that... it became like this...”
The difference was that at six years old, she hadn't met Lonia.
She had met Beatrice.
Esper opened her mouth, but didn't know what to say.
Should she say it was interesting, or boring? No matter how she phrased it, it felt inappropriate.
“...Thank you for being willing to tell me these things.”
...
Eladia didn't respond immediately.
She seemed to be thinking about something, but even after a very long time, she couldn't find an answer.
So, after the silence, she spoke:
“When you talk about others... you look very happy...”
“Hmm? Is something wrong?”
Eladia asked in confusion,
“Why do you feel happy...?”
“Huh? Because my friends are doing well, so I feel happy...”
“Why... do you feel happy because of others...?”
“...?”
Esper wore a look of utter incomprehension.
“Because we're friends. We feel happy for each other...”
“So-called friends are merely existences that are more familiar to you than strangers, aren't they?”
The hesitation in her voice vanished.
Every time she spoke, it was as if she were thinking and talking simultaneously, trailing off with long pauses, like an unwound clockwork toy wobbling in a child's hands.
“In the end, they are still just other people. Why feel happy for them?”
Now, she had wound the clockwork tight, pouring out the confusion she had pondered countless times in her heart to the girl before her.
“The Pope harvested a vast amount of holy water because of me; the nobles gained new gossip because of the holy water; the believers recovered their health because of me. I remember every single one of their faces—those faces that were happy because of me, cheering for me, laughing.”
Even with the clockwork wound, only her speaking speed had changed. The deep-seated calm and indifference remained unaltered.
“Why is it that when I look at those faces that are happy because of me, I don't feel happy at all?”
“You...”
“Joy, sadness, relief, pain, happiness, regret, satisfaction, self-reproach... why can all of you display these things so easily? Why can you make those faces at me so naturally? Why is it that I am the only one who can't feel anything?”
Eladia looked at Esper.
“Esper, have you ever tried to commit suicide?”
“Huh?”
“Driving an awl through my ear to stir my brain, commissioning others to mince my entire body into pieces with a sword, or using the highest tier of magic to blast myself into ashes. I have tried all of it. Yet the next day always comes as usual. When I wake up, the Pope and the believers smile at me once more. I know why. It is because they benefit from me. The kindness and smiles they show me are merely the charity of those who profit. But why do you wear that kind of smile for people who will never have anything to do with you again? They have absolutely no meaning to you. Just like me.”
“Wait, wait, wait! Eladia, hold on!”
Esper gestured to stop her.
“Your thoughts are way too dangerous... Wait, let me catch my breath, okay? This is the first time I've ever heard something like...”
“Esper. Everyone is a selfish and ugly existence, right?”
Eladia tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, interrupting Esper.
In the Saintess's tiny world, everything operated according to established laws.
Because everything in the world was selfish and ugly, everything that approached her did so with a purpose.
They would tear her apart like ravenous hyenas, swallowing her flesh and blood, and then howl over her corpse, cheering for one gluttonous feast after another.
And she could do nothing, unable to even feel happiness.
Yes, that was how it was.
Because everything was selfish and ugly.
And she was not allowed to be selfish.
Therefore, she could not be happy.
If it wasn't for oneself, then one's own happiness and joy would never arrive.
So her happiness and joy could never arrive.
Eladia had long accepted this.
She was not even allowed to die, so she chose numbness.
Then, the girl named Esper appeared.
Esper, who did not make Eladia feel any ugliness, smiled because of others.
“Huh? I think...”
“But you helped me. Even when I can only cause you harm.”
Eladia raised her hand, extending her five fingers.
She bent one down.
“Why did you buy these shoes for me, clearly knowing that I didn't need to wear them?”
She bent down another.
“Why did you actively ask me to draw closer to you, clearly knowing it would only cause you more harm?”
She bent down a third.
“Why do you still smile at me, clearly knowing my presence is merely a restriction and shackle placed on you by the Pope?”
A fourth finger.
“Why can you give your sincerity to something that has absolutely no value?”
The last finger was bent down.
“Why... are you different from everyone else...?”
—Why can you feel happy because of others?
—If that is the case, then can I be happy too?
Eladia's thoughts surged.
More than ten years of silence and endurance transformed into a pouring torrent at this moment.
Feeling this surge, Esper let out a sigh.
“...I'm no different from anyone else.”
“You're lying. You are different.”
“No, I only do it for myself.”
“...?”
...
“Rafina, do you want to be my friend?”
“...Why me?”
“Because I can't stand seeing you look so pathetic.”
...
“I just can't stand to watch, that's all. Getting sad over others' misfortunes on my own, getting angry over others' plights on my own, and then giving of myself to change it all on my own. Everything I do is just for myself.”
Esper spoke calmly.
“Eladia, you are right. Someone who devotes their entire life to others can never be happy.”
“...I see.”
The clockwork stopped.
Yes, she shouldn't have held any expectations for the future from the very beginning.
Because that was how the world worked.
And she, who could only live in such a world, could never be happy.
“So, you just need to live for yourself—”
“...That's impossible.”
“Hmm?”
Eladia said calmly.
“Because I cannot live for myself... and there is no meaning in living for myself... In this world... there is nothing that makes me want to strive for my own sake...”
“That's not true. You have strived for yourself.”
Esper's words completely shattered Eladia's train of thought.
Her deep blue eyes widened, her lips parting slightly. She froze in place like a robot that had suddenly received too much information and started to overload.
“You chose suicide for your own sake, didn't you?”
“...What?”
“Wanting to free yourself from despair and pain, killing yourself for your own sake. Isn't that exactly what you consider a selfish and ugly act?”
Esper didn't actually want to overthink what she was saying.
This child's mental state was far too severe, even more troublesome than Fina's when she was little.
Mhm... Fina...
Since that was the case, she would try to convince her with some twisted logic first...
“You say there's no meaning in living for yourself, and nothing you want to strive for, but you're wrong. You are looking forward to death—isn't that the very meaning of your existence?”
“...Death...?”
“Exactly. Death.”
Esper met Eladia's gaze with unwavering determination.
“Unable to die, you yearn for death. That is the meaning of your existence. To free yourself from endless pain and devotion, abandoning the people who benefited from you like pigs and trash, letting yourself sink into the abyss of death—that very selfishness is the driving force of your efforts.”
“No... that's not right. There's something wrong with what you're saying... there must be something wrong...”
“Eladia!”
Esper raised her voice.
“You waited for me outside the shelter for a long time last night, didn't you?”
“Because there was nothing else to do...”
“You asked me yesterday if it would leave a scar, didn't you?”
“...I was just curious...”
“You asked me about my past today, didn't you?”
“...”
“You care about me.”
“I don't...”
“You think you have no meaning to me, but do I have any meaning to you either!”
Of course there is. If I kill you, the Pope will grant me my freedom—
She didn't say the words out loud.
Having never known the meaning of freedom, she had never anticipated such a future, nor did she have any intention of killing the girl before her.
Yes, they held no meaning for each other.
“Eladia. If living to die cannot bring you happiness, to the point of becoming your reason to live, then how about you swap that reason for me?”
“...You?”
“You cannot feel happy because of others' happiness because you have never been cared for by anyone. No friends, no family, no companions—living like this until now has made you the Eladia you are today. —So, let me change you.”
Just like a long time ago, she reached out her hand to the lonely girl.
“Eladia, do you want to be my friend?”
The holy light made her hand prickle with a faint heat.
Eladia looked at that hand, her lips trembling.
Her hand rose slightly out of instinct, but then she pulled it back—
—Esper stepped forward and grabbed her hand.
Sizzle, sizzle.
Her flesh and blood charred as they rejected the holy light. The power capable of purifying all darkness slowly surged into her magic circuit, spreading from her palm.
But she did not let go.
Esper had never changed. Even if she had given up striving, even if she still felt the sting of the past, she remained exactly the same.
A self-righteous savior, a sentimental and impulsive girl.
“Answer me, Eladia.”
“You... you're hurt... Let go quickly...”
Eladia panicked.
She even forgot to hold her breath immediately, instead clumsily backing away, trying to shake off Esper's hand.
“Answer me! Eladia!”
Esper gripped even tighter.
“I... I...”
Eladia saw those eyes.
The hand holding hers gripped her tightly, as if having made a resolve to never let go.
“...I do.”
The hand released. Eladia immediately backed away, hiding her hand behind her back, and then looked up at Esper's hand.
It was completely charred. The holy light had spread to her shoulder, causing her entire arm to tremble involuntarily.
Deep within her pupils, a ring of crimson spread out, nearly covering the disguised brown.
“...You're an idiot, aren't you...?”
Her voice was trembling too.
She didn't know why her voice was trembling.
“Hmph, in the past, I was the only one who got to call others that.”
Esper gently supported her injured hand.
“This way, you won't have to think about all that nonsense anymore. Ela.”
“Ela...?”
“It's a nickname. A nickname. Come on, give me a smile, okay?”
“...”
Eladia took a deep breath.
A nickname...
Then, the corners of her mouth curved upward in an extremely awkward manner.
“Like... this?”
Esper's eyelids twitched.
This was a terrifying smile that was simply unimaginable on a face like hers.
Only the muscles around the corners of her mouth moved, while the rest of her face remained locked in place as if bolted down, making the smile look incredibly unnatural.
Very fake...
“Sure, it's very nice, but try not to smile at others.”
“...Why?”
“Uh... because I want to be the only one who sees it?”
She couldn't exactly tell her it was too ugly, could she?
Esper was completely talking nonsense.
Eladia's smile vanished, returning to the calm expression Esper was more familiar with.
“...Okay.”
Hart Town would be here soon.
Rate on N.U.
