Autumn Wind and Longing

"Sorry, I couldn't control my emotions." After a long while, Ayako lifted her body, her nose twitching slightly.

"There's no need to apologize for that. Letting guests vent their emotions is also part of my service," Xu Xiaoyou said. "It's common for some girls to get drunk and vomit all over me."

The woman's eyes grew complex. She said nothing, but gripped Xu Xiaoyou's hand tightly, released it for a moment, and then gripped it tight again.

The shadows cast by the sunlight lengthened; the washing machine stopped tumbling. The clothes on the rack were gradually drying, and the wet dripping sound was no more.

Throughout the entire morning, Xu Xiaoyou accompanied Mrs. Ayako, chatting about seemingly mundane topics—from her physical health and mood to the hospital environment and what the woman usually did. These ordinary topics hid a deeper purpose; cutting in from inconspicuous angles, Xu Xiaoyou used various questions to probe the woman's mental state. While providing her services these past few days, she was also attempting to treat the woman's psychological illness.

Perhaps because she shared similarities with Mrs. Ayako's daughter, Xu Xiaoyou knew the other woman was projecting her longing for her daughter onto her.

"They all say I look much more energetic than before. I'm willing to communicate with others, and there's a glow on my face," Mrs. Ayako said with a smile.

"Ever since I met you, Little Rose, I really feel much better..."

Xu Xiaoyou listened quietly, nodding from time to time to show she was still listening. She had always been a patient listener, rarely raising questions when others poured out their hearts and never contradicting them unless absolutely necessary.

She would often intentionally hint at their respective identities through her words—Ayako was the client, and she was the green leaf serving her. Whenever the woman became immersed in a warm family atmosphere, she would build it up, only to later break it down.

Every time she did this, Mrs. Ayako would look visibly dejected by the contrast. But the next day, the woman would always appear before her in an even better mental state. Eventually, she no longer changed because of the hints; clearly, through their long-term interaction, the woman had subconsciously accepted the reality of their relationship.

"If Kiyoko had grown up, she would be a graceful young lady by now. She'd be at the age to go out and make her way in society on her own."

Kiyoko Nogawa—Mrs. Ayako's daughter. The woman had never proactively mentioned her daughter to Xu Xiaoyou before. Today was the first time.

"Mrs. Ayako?" Xu Xiaoyou realized this was an opportunity and asked the question at the right moment.

"Look at my memory. I've never told you about Kiyoko, have I? She was my daughter. She had beautiful blonde hair too. She left a few years ago..." Ayako said.

The woman was very reluctant to recall things about her daughter, as if tearing open a bloody scar in her heart. But today seemed different; no sharp pain spread through her chest, she didn't feel suffocated, and her tone was calm and natural.

Amidst the sadness, there was more of a sense of release.

To her, the mourned past had truly become the past.

This transformation was like a silent rain, happening quietly. It was only when the seeds sprouted from the soil that she realized spring seemed to have arrived.

"Sometimes, I tend to mistake you for Kiyoko. Kiyoko's eyes weren't as beautiful or gentle as yours, her temperament wasn't as outstanding as yours, and her looks were quite ordinary. She wasn't liked by everyone here like you are." The woman plucked up her courage and continued to recall the memories she had kept sealed for a long time.

Under the deep waters of memory, many things she once refused to remember and lacked the courage to recall gradually floated to the surface; the carefree laughter of a little girl echoed above this warm room, a girl trailing a kite and running under the blue sky, the gradual fading of a young girl's innocence, the daily routine of coming home and retreating into her room after a dull greeting...

The rift and distance between mother and daughter had appeared at some unknown point. It had been a long time since they had sat at a table to eat like this. She thought it was just because the girl was growing up and wanted her own private space; it wasn't until she subconsciously criticized Kiyoko for wasting too much time on musical instruments that her daughter lost her temper with her for the first time. She had then tirelessly explained that everything she did was for Kiyoko's own good, forcing her own ideas onto her. Only then did she realize she had become one of those boring parents.

Perhaps if she hadn't taken away Kiyoko's instruments, if the girl had stayed in Dragonfly Town to form her band and gallop through her own wilderness, would everything have been different?

Perhaps then Kiyoko wouldn't have gone to Chi City, suffered from bullying due to her withdrawn personality, become depressed, and ultimately chosen to end her own life.

Even though she had tied heavy stones to those memories and thrown them into the sea, thinking she would never have to face those cruel realities again, fate just loved to play tricks on people.

She had buried the past with her own hands, yet spontaneously approached the blonde girl before her and fished those memories back up. She would never forget when she saw Kiyoko again at the hospital, how the girl cried weakly to her, "I tried my best to be the obedient child you wanted, Mama. I know you're tired, but I just can't do it..."

Ayako examined herself. Was what she couldn't let go of really her longing and guilt for her daughter, or was it that she didn't dare admit her own failure caused Kiyoko's choice to end her life?

She was a failed mother. She was the real culprit who killed Kiyoko.

If only she had noticed the rift between mother and daughter sooner, if only she had noticed the sorrow hidden behind Kiyoko's forced smiles, if only she hadn't self-righteously forced her ideas on her, none of this would have happened.

"I learned how to knit sweaters in the hospital. I'm gradually getting along with those old men, telling the nursing staff what I need, and I've learned a few jokes..."

"Are you still sitting on your hospital bed all morning knitting sweaters?" Xu Xiaoyou asked.

Ayako shook her head and took out a sweater, measuring it against Xu Xiaoyou. "Autumn is here, and the weather will slowly get colder. This sweater isn't for Kiyoko. It's for you, Little Rose."

"I couldn't think of anything else to give you, so I could only give you this. It's a bit rough, I'm sorry."

"I didn't knit it on my hospital bed either. I watched them while they were doing their exercises for seniors in the backyard. I heard you say I should get more sunlight. I think I should properly accept some facts and let some things go."

"I should learn to reconcile with myself and try to look forward."

When Mrs. Ayako said these words, her eyes were as peaceful as a lake in late autumn. The autumn wind brushed past the longing and sadness, stirring a few ripples and dropping a few fallen leaves before returning to tranquility.

"I probably won't be coming back tomorrow. Actually, I came here today to say goodbye to you, Little Rose. Truly, I'm very, very grateful to you. That 'in-store promotion' was fake, wasn't it? I'm not that stupid. I'm a grown woman, I'd be ashamed to take advantage of such a small thing..." Ayako laughed self-mockingly.

"I've taken up so much of your precious time. Even though I'm just a failed mother, you treated me so earnestly. Thank you for taking care of me during this time. I believe you must be a very gentle child, Little Rose. Working here must have been a last resort..."

"I've really moved on; I'm much better now." Mrs. Ayako turned her head and said, "But what's the use of reconciling with myself? I will spend the rest of my life reconciling with Kiyoko. She's the child who was actually hurt."

A gust of wind blew through, and the wind chime on the windowsill chimed softly, reflecting golden light under the clear sky.

Ayako's eyes slowly widened. This was the wind chime Kiyoko had made by hand. The little girl's innocent words echoed in her ears: "When the autumn wind rings the wind chime, I am by your side, Mama."