Just Like This

Following the coolness at her fingertips,

Ye Qingyao could feel Bai Qingxue’s pulse beating.

She had felt this pulse before.

During the days Sister Bai was unconscious, she had knelt by the bed, pressing Bai Qingxue’s hand to her own face, listening to that faint, intermittent pulse, pleading again and again, saying, “Sister Bai, please open your eyes and look at me.”

Ye Qingyao’s throat moved.

She slowly withdrew her fingers. As her fingertips left that cool skin, Ye Qingyao suddenly felt a strong reluctance, as if something was drawing a thin, transparent thread between her fingertips and that coolness, stretching longer and longer, thinner and thinner, almost to the breaking point, yet she couldn’t bear to let go.

But in the end, she did.

“Sister Bai,”

Ye Qingyao’s voice was even lower than before.

“I want to re-tie it for you.”

Bai Qingxue looked at her.

Ye Qingyao didn’t look up.

Her gaze fell to the ground, to the shadows between them, to the old plum tree leaves blown over by the wind.

“I’ve practiced for a long time. I can tie it very well now.”

Ye Qingyao’s voice wasn’t loud, but she spoke with great confidence.

Bai Qingxue didn’t answer immediately.

Twilight crept over the mountain ridge, and a long time had passed.

Ye Qingyao stood in that twilight, and a long silence stretched between them.

So long that Ye Qingyao thought Bai Qingxue wouldn’t answer.

So long that she repeated the phrase “I’ve practiced for a long time” over and over in her mind, until each word blurred, until she herself could no longer tell if it was an explanation or a confession.

“Why?”

Bai Qingxue’s voice came from across the table, faint and calm, as usual.

But Ye Qingyao detected something different in it.

Ye Qingyao opened her mouth.

She wanted to say, “Because it’s too ugly.”

She wanted to say, “Because it doesn’t suit you.”

She wanted to say, “Because I want you to wear something beautiful.”

Every reason turned on her tongue, then was swallowed back down.

Because as she looked at that ugly knot, she suddenly couldn’t speak.

That ugly knot was crookedly wound around Sister Bai’s wrist, unbelievably hideous. Yet, Sister Bai had worn it for seven years.

If Sister Bai truly disliked this ugly knot, she would have untied it long ago. It wasn’t her place to dislike it.

“I…” Ye Qingyao’s voice became softer, so soft it seemed squeezed from her throat, so soft it seemed afraid of being scattered by the wind. “I don’t know.”

This was the truth.

She truly didn’t know.

She had practiced for seven years, thought for seven years, hoped for seven years.

But when Bai Qingxue actually sat across from her and truly asked, “Why?”, she suddenly found she couldn’t articulate a single definite reason.

Perhaps she just wanted to.

To get closer.

To touch.

To linger a moment longer on that cool skin.

To let Sister Bai know that she had practiced for seven years not for anything else, but so that one day, when Sister Bai was willing to let her draw near, she could do it well.

That was all.

Bai Qingxue glanced at her.

The glance was brief, too brief for Ye Qingyao to discern anything from it.

Then Bai Qingxue withdrew her gaze, lowered her head, and looked at the ugly knot on her wrist.

“No need.”

“No need to re-tie it.”

Ye Qingyao saw it.

She saw Bai Qingxue’s fingertips gently touch the ugly knot, touch the frayed silk threads, touch the knot she had tied in such a mess seven years ago because her hands were shaking.

The movement was light, so light it seemed unconscious, so light it seemed as if she was confirming the knot was still there.

“Just like this.”

Bai Qingxue withdrew her hand, picked up her teacup, and took a sip.

Ye Qingyao stood there, her hands hanging at her sides, her fingers no longer twisting in her sleeves.

She was completely still, as if pinned to the spot by something.

Just like this.

Ye Qingyao’s mind went blank for a moment. In that moment, she couldn’t think of anything, couldn’t hear anything, only those three words echoing repeatedly in her mind.

Just like this, just like this, just like this.

Then her heart began to pound.

She was afraid she was thinking too much.

She was afraid she was wrong.

She was afraid she was taking Bai Qingxue’s casual “Just like this” for something extraordinary.

But she couldn’t help it.

She couldn’t help but think.

Was Sister Bai… reluctant to change it?

The moment this thought surfaced, Ye Qingyao’s ears instantly turned red. The flush spread from her ear tips to her auricles, from her auricles to her cheeks, and from her cheeks to her neck.

She felt as if she had been thrown into boiling water, burning from the inside out.

She quickly lowered her head, staring at the tips of her shoes, her heart pounding like a drum.

She could hear her own heartbeat, thud, thud, thud, each beat heavier and faster than the last, so fast that she felt Sister Bai must surely hear it.

“Oh.”

Ye Qingyao’s voice was so soft it was almost lost to the wind.

Then she bit her lip and added, “Well… if you don’t mind it being ugly, then that’s fine.”

As she said this, Ye Qingyao felt her voice trembling.

Because those three words were still swirling in her mind, making her dizzy, disoriented, making her feel like she was dreaming.

Bai Qingxue didn’t respond.

Ye Qingyao stood there for a while, feeling her face hot enough to fry an egg.

She couldn’t stay any longer.

If she stayed, she was afraid she might say something she shouldn’t.

“Then I’ll be going.”

Ye Qingyao used a lot of effort to make her voice sound normal, and even more effort to make her legs move.

Bai Qingxue nodded.

Ye Qingyao turned and walked towards the courtyard gate.

After two steps, she stopped again. All that could be heard was her voice:

“Sister Bai.”

“Hm?”

Ye Qingyao opened her mouth, wanting to say, “Next time I come, I hope you’re still wearing it.” The words reached her lips, then were swallowed back.

It was too strange.

Saying that would be too strange.

It sounded like a demand, like a confirmation, as if she didn’t believe Bai Qingxue would continue to wear that ugly knot.

But she did believe.

She didn’t know why, but she believed.

From the moment Bai Qingxue said, “Just like this,” she believed.

“Next time, just brew this tea again.”

After saying that, Ye Qingyao quickly walked out.

This time, she closed the door gently, making no sound. But Bai Qingxue heard the soft click of the door bolt falling into place, light as a sigh.

The courtyard gate closed, separating inside from out. The courtyard fell silent, with only the leaves of the old plum tree rustling in the wind.

Bai Qingxue sat by the stone table, looking down at the knot on her wrist.

That messy, unfinished, unbelievably ugly knot.

Twilight surged from behind her, enveloping her in a bluish-purple glow.

Bai Qingxue reached out and touched the cord end with her fingertips. The frayed edges of the cord end brushed against her finger pad, bringing a slight itchiness.

Just like how Ye Qingyao’s fingertips had touched her moments ago.